THE PURPLE HAT

A Beautiful Woman:

• Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.
  

• Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.
  

• Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mom, I can't
  go to school looking like this!)
  

• Age 20: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going out anyway.
  

• Age 30: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"-but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going out anyway.
  

• Age 40: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"-but says, "At least, I am clean" and goes out anyway.
  

• Age 50: She looks at herself and sees "who she really is" and goes wherever she wants to go.
  

• Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
  

• Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
  

• Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier.

Freeway Driving

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone  rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on  280.
Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car.  It's hundreds of them!"

TO KEEP AWAY ILLNESS

Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to
all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat
while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the
young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with
water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and
surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something!
But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...
I haven't had a cold all winter."

Fertility

An elderly couple, she was 85, he was 90, decided that they would take advantage of modern science to conceive another child. They discussed it with a fertility expert who said it was indeed possible. The doctor gave the couple a jar and asked them to return a semen sample the next day.

The next day, the couple presented the doctor with an empty jar. The doctor asked, "Why did you bring me back an empty jar?"

The husband explained, "Well, doc, I tried my right hand...I tried my left hand, and nothing. My wife tried her right hand...my wife tried her left hand and nothing. She even took her teeth out and used her mouth. We even called the neighbor over to help us, but still nothing."

Appalled, the doctor asked, "You asked your neighbor to help you?"

The husband apologized, "Yes, but we still couldn't get the lid off the jar".

For more humor, go to www.care-givers.com/pages/humorarchive